OK, I know I said I was convinced Babes is gay, but actually I’ve been thinking about it and it’s worse than I thought. I've just made a list of all the guys I've ever gone out with or been asked out by and now I’m a bit freaked.
THE LIST:
SIMON – We were 11. It lasted a year before he kissed another girl and I dumped him. We stayed friends. When we were 18 he rang me one night to ask a favour.
Simon – “Um, could you like, ring everyone we know and tell them I’m gay?”
Me (stunned) – “YOU'RE WHAT?!”
I was stunned. But I rang everyone. They were like, “Yeah, so?”
I couldn't help feeling it was the ultimate insult to be dumped by a gay guy for another girl!
PATRICK – We were 14. He was the single most homophobic person I've ever met and I used to argue with him about it. But I was kind enough not to use the trump card, “Patrick, your brother Troy (Troy!) is the most obviously gay person in the history of the universe.” He really was. Patrick didn't see it.
Patrick asked me out once and I said no. Then, when I was 19, he got a job in the clothes shop where I worked, where he made friends with Andy, who also worked there. Andy was a nice guy, but not the brightest.
Me (hanging up tight leather trousers) – “Ha, I should recommend these to Patrick” (refering to the blatant homophobia).
Andy (shocked) – “Do you know!?”
Me – “Know what?”
Andy – “About Patrick being gay?”
Me (stunned again) – “HE'S WHAT!?”
Andy (horrified) – “Oh my god, you're the third person I've told and I really tried not to tell anyone!”
PETE – We were 15. He got his sister to ask me out for him over the phone. I said no. I met him recently at the gay wedding of my first gay boyfriend, Simon. He looked pretty miserable.
Me - "Hey, what's up?"
Pete - "I'm depressed cos I just broke up with my boyfriend."
Me (stunned): “YOUR WHAT?!”
JAMES – He asked me out the day before Babes asked me out. I've never heard any definite evidence on the gay front but when we heard he was joining the priesthood there was serious concern about the choirboys.
DANIEL – We were 16. He said I looked like Madonna. We went on a few dates before I broke up with him. I met him accidentally a few years later and he was wearing tight leather trousers.
So that's 3 definites, 2 maybes, and Babes. That’s a fairly disturbing percentage of my total relationships isn’t it? I mean I’m happy to help out the odd confused adolescent trying to figure things out, but surely after one or two I’ve done my bit? After that it just seems like rejection on a grand scale. I’m like the poster girl for youthful experimentation. I’m Marmite.
And Babes? Babes' favourite movie is The Sound of Music. He’s totally gutted Julie doesn’t sing anymore.
So the question is: do I attract gay men, or do I turn straight men gay?
ROTFL!
ReplyDeleteI wouldn't worry about The Sound of Music if I were you. As long as he doesn't wear tight leather trousers there is no cause for concern.
Hello BTW. I came here blog-hopping (but forget how exactly).